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Friday, August 31, 2012

Whenever you need me, I'll be there

I have a BIG confession to make... I'm a dreamer! I'm not willing to put any time or effort into anything that doesn't directly fulfill me as a person. That means that rather than struggle and try to win a job that pays well but kills me inside, I choose to put all my effort into the things I love.

Don't get me wrong, whenever a position opens up at the library, or at Lane Bryant, or somewhere else where I could see myself being happy, I apply for the job, but in this market, I inevitably lose. This only helps to reinforce my convictions that I am meant to be home working on my dreams, but it still hurts on some level. It makes me feel like the whole world is conspiring to keep me poor. (Yes, I hear the tiny violin playing in the background too, lol!)

I'm also really blessed when it comes to the people I love. I don't judge them and they don't judge me. This works out well because it means that I can be weird, and that's ok. I've always been the person that people came to for advice. Even adults considered me a wise person as far back as I can remember. I always was and will forever remain the person here for you when you need me. Anytime day or night, message me, and if I happen to be asleep or otherwise unreachable, I'll message you back as soon as I can.

Recently I posted a question wondering what it was about me that people tend to shy away from. I'm nice, I don't judge, and I give pretty good advice. My cousin's wife really touched me :-) She didn't offer answers or sympathy, she simply told me that if I ever needed to talk, I could talk to her. I love that because it reminds me of me in that I do the same for others.

But here's the thing, over the years, I've developed this strange... habit? No... Quirk? Tendency? I would rather not talk to people directly. I mean when were not in person. I don't really want to talk to them on the phone.

This started, I suppose, when I realized that I couldn't afford many minutes and that it cost me only a third of the price to text my friends rather than call them. I could also have all the time I needed to reply. Meaning that if you texted me at 9AM and I was in bed sleeping, I could text you back at noon when I woke up. Texting is convenient to me, and I prefer it to chatting online even because then I'm not stuck in front of my computer during the conversation. I could take a walk, or even go grocery shopping, and my conversation could still be going on.

Granted, a texted conversation takes about 4 times longer than actually talking to someone, so in that aspect, it does kind of suck.

Another reason why I love it is that often I am busy doing something. I write a lot, and I crochet a lot. I also watch a lot of TV because it's just about the only thing my hubby and I do together that we mostly like. We both HATE trying to talk to anyone while we are watching something together, and so we prefer texting because if my phone is set on silent/vibrate, my friend could ask me her most important questions, and it's not bothering my hubby or me. I can read and choose to reply right away, or maybe wait until I'm done watching TV.

Why does any of this matter. Well, it's because when I had my miscarriage, at least three people I only talk to maybe once a month offered to talk to me any time I needed to talk. I didn't really take them seriously because I'm not really a talker. I'm a writer. I express myself best when I have time to sit down and write out what I want to say.

So that brings me to my other preferred form of communication: Replies to my posts :-) When I post something to my blog that uncovers my feelings and bares my soul to the world, I'm doing it for several reasons.
1 - Because I literally NEED to in order to get it off my chest and let it go.
2 - Because it's how I best express myself.
3- Because I want everyone in the world to read it and offer an opinion. Even if it's disagreeing with me or pointing out one of my tender flaws. I want to read all about it! I crave that interaction.

So, I went to bed earlier, and I was trying to go to sleep when suddenly I started crying for NO reason. Well, no reason other than I was thinking about how touched I am that so many people have offered to be there for me if I ever need them...

And then how angry I am that they're not there the way I need them to be. I don't need to talk on and on about my problems! I write them down, post them, and then I move on. It's really that simple for me. I don't hold onto grudges or hurt feelings. On the days when I post something moody, it really helps me that people read it and comment. I love how I feel almost on top of the world just knowing that someone cares enough to interact with me in the informal and often distant world of the internet.

I LOVE the internet! Because of it, I have many wonderful friends from around the world! Friends whose love I can feel even an ocean away!

Friends who genuinely care about me because they share some of my quirks :-D People who I am blessed to communicate with on a regular basis.

So why did thinking about all ths make me cry from at least a little bit of anger? Well, it's because of some of the ones who have offered to be there for me whenever I need them, but... aren't...

For example. I was talking with my best male friend recently, and for possibly the first time ever, we were talking about books. He was interested in a book that is so very much like what I tend to write. In fact, I often read him what I write to get his opinion on it. It was a great conversation, so I decided to go for it!
"Hey... you remember that book I wrote that I had your wife read to you a while back that you liked? Well, it's for sale on Amazon. Can you do me a favor and post a link to it on your facebook bragging about how you know the author personally, and how you liked the book?"
He replied, "I will, after I read it. I don't like to recommed things unless I know I like them."

You know... I TOTALLY understand where he's coming from, because I never recommend anything I don't like either. But I also wanted to cry! He is one of my best friends, and has come to rescue us when we were literally stranded several times. I love him like he's part of my family.

But I needed him to be there for me... I needed him to be my best friend and toot my horn just a little right then. I needed him to say, "Hey! This is my friend and she needs some support, so do me a favor and buy her book!"

You wanna know how pathetic I have felt the last month or so? I have felt like nothing I do ever matters. I feel like it honestly doesn't matter if my family or friends even read my books, so long as they show me a little love and buy them!

And then I feel like a loser with no talent that I can't even get people who love me to buy my books and read what I've written. I can't even get them to share the links I post to the stories that people can read for FREE!!!

So here is my prayer:
Dear Angels, I know I am needy, and I constantly ask for you to help me win the lottery and magically make all my problems go away, but now I am begging you! DON'T help me win the lottery! Prove to me that I am not just a stupid dreamer. Help my family and friends understand that I don't need them to be there to listen to me, I need them to talk about me to everyone they know. I need them to stop telling ME how wonderful and talented I am and start telling everyone else! And please don't let them hate me for being selfish and needy for asking this.

Ok, now that I've written that all down, I'm going to post it and go to bed. I plan to have some great sleep, and then wake up feeling refreshed! Tomorrow (later today, whatever), my hubby doesn't have school, so I get to spend some time with him, and that always cheers me up :-D

I hope everyone has a happy day.

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