No Means No!

Why is this SO hard to understand??? Well, I'll tell you why...

I was watching a TV show called the Fosters, and in it, one of the girls was raped by a previous foster brother. She FINALLY got the courage to report this when she realized that he was doing it to someone else.

Her lawyer told her many a time that she could NOT tell the judge she was raped. If she claimed that it was consensual, the foster brother would be automatically sentenced to jail time. If she claimed that it was NOT consensual and the judge didn't believe her, then the foster brother would go free.

This is SO typical of the American legal system that I can only shake my head at the stupidity of it all. Let me break this down for you...

A girl - of ANY age - was straight up raped. She said no and he DIDN'T listen. The lawyer told her that she couldn't tell this to the judge because the judge probably wouldn't believe her because the girl was a troubled girl and HE was a model person - so far as anyone could tell. It would be his word against hers, and he would win by reputation alone.

So... No means no, but only if the girl is a better person than the guy???

Moving on, let's get to the REAL crux of the matter. The TRUE problem with this whole Scenario.
If no means no, then yes means yes!

You CANNOT have it both ways! You cannot say that no means no if yes doesn't actually mean yes! I mean is it any wonder that EVERYONE is confused on the topic of consent?!

In this scenario, had this girl decided to claim that she said yes, and then he was automatically sent to jail for Statutory Rape, then yes would not have meant yes!!! I do not care who is hopping in bed together, if BOTH of them are saying yes, then it should be legal. Don't give me that BS about one of them not being old enough to consent, because if you are in court arguing this, then the point is really moot. Or at least it should be. Did you consent, yes or no, and if no, RAPE has occurred!!!

If yes, then why the eff are they in court for this? Well I'll tell you why. It's adults that eff everything up. If a girl's parents find out that their 14 or 15 year old girl decided to go out and have a wild weekend with a 17 year old boy, rather than accept that she said yes and had fun, they want to ruin his life and send him to jail. Shame on the parents!!! You know what they have just done? They have just created a culture in which a girl is NOT ALLOWED to say yes without parental permission! (And vice versa. Girls can be sent to jail for this too.)

Here is a real life example. When I met my husband, I was 16 and he was 20. We hopped right into bed and stayed there for 4 days. By law, he should have gone to jail. WHY??? Because even though I had reached the age of consent, he was still too old for me legally. THANK ALL THE GODS that my mother was too smart for that esh! She took one look at him and knew that he was my future husband. And you know what? She was right. We got married when I was 21 and he was 25. We had broken up for a few years and got back together. We've been married for 14 years now.

Thus rather than ruin his life for a VERY stupid reason, we were given the luxury of yes meaning yes.

Do you know how to teach a teen that no means no? You give them the power to make that decision. After all, if a girl is saying: "No I can't because my parents will kill me, or kick me out, or ground me for the rest of my life," then what she is really saying is yes, and that is what the boy is hearing. But if she says: "No I don't want to," then that decision must be treated EQUALLY as important as if she said: Yes, I want to, let's do it!" It must be treated equally as important as if she said: "Yes I want to, but only a little. Let's kiss and grope each other's naked body, and maybe give mutual oral, but NOT penetration!" It must be treated equal with: "I want to kiss you for a while first while I make up my mind."

Because for no to mean no, then yes MUST mean yes, and this is the very foundation of consent. Without it, we are always going to be arguing over whether or not she really said yes.

Sigh...