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Thursday, April 19, 2012

Can I be Brutally Honest?

My thoughts are still a bit disorganized, so if this comes out all jumbled, I apologize. I thought all day about how to write this. I know I have to write it because it won't get out of my head otherwise, and I WANT it out of my head. So, I am just going to come out and say this.

Today, I went to the doctor to get my 12 week check up and an ultrasound. I insisted on the ultrasound because I spotted a little on Monday, and I just wanted to be certain that everything was okay... as it turns out, it's not. According to the ultrasound, my baby stopped growing at 8 weeks, and there is no heartbeat. I'm told there can be no mistake and no hope.

So, I've spent all day wondering why. What did I do wrong? Why did I find out I was pregnant at all? It seems a bit cruel to me that I find out I'm pregnant when the ultrasound said I was 6 weeks 7 days along, and then the baby died just one week later.

Did the baby die because of something I did? Was it because I was stressed out over the lawsuit? I did receive a letter saying that they were going to have a hearing to determine if we would really owe over 12,000 dollars to an insurance company because of an accident that happened in 2008. Ironically, I didn't find out that the hearing gave a default judgement of yes we owe that money until AFTER the baby had died.

Did the baby die because this was supposed to happen? Was this one of those life lessons I am supposed to learn? Was this part of my plan? (Note: when I talk about plan - life's plan - I refer to the plan I believe everyone makes before they are born. The plan where they sign up for their life's lessons, and can also be considered fate in a way.)

The thing that gets me is that if this was a life lesson, the only lesson I can think of that applies to this situation is that I am too much of a smug, know it all bitch, and deserved to be knocked down a peg. I also think it may have a touch of karma in it because one day, for about 2 minutes, I wished for another woman to miscarry due to my own fears. She actually did miscarry later, but I was truly sad about it. I mourned that baby that I had so briefly feared. Does that really mean I deserve this Karma?

Or is this about the time that I so stupidly bragged that I had only ever been pregnant twice, and therefore had never miscarried. At that moment, I felt like I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could never miscarry. Turns out, I was just being prideful and ... smug... Does THAT mean I deserve this?

Along those lines, what DID I do to deserve this? Haven't I suffered enough? I mean seriously, as optimistic and generally happy as I am, I think anyone who has read my blogs for a long time will probably know that I am tired of living this life. I am tired of trudging along day after day in a life that never seems to get any better. It just keeps getting worse and worse. It's not even a roller coaster of ups and downs, it's just a downward spiral.

So, as I've said, I've thought about this all day, and if I just put all melodrama aside for a few minutes, I think I actually do know what I did wrong. The clue lies in my first two pregnancies. In those, I had to go VERY low carb just to conceive, and then I stayed very low carb throughout the pregnancy, focusing mainly on eating meat and veggies. I think it says a lot about how much my body has healed that I was even able to conceive while eating a relatively bad (for me, not bad for most people) diet.

See, over the past year, more and more carbs have snuck their way into my diet. Not so many that I am in danger of wild fluctuations in my blood sugar like I once had - early on after being diagnosed with diabetes. I'm pretty level and even when it comes to my blood sugar, as evidenced by the fact that I can actually go longer than 4 hours without eating and not start shaking when my blood sugar drops. I also can feel it when my blood sugar gets too high. I get dizzy and woozy, and just plan blah feeling. That hasn't happened in a while.

I had even gotten pretty regular in being able to go to the bathroom. I figured that I was doing something right. I even lost close to 20 pounds during the last year. I even got pregnant! Seriously, I must have done SOMETHING right!

But - as I said - over the last year, I ended up eating more and more carbs. This was not because I wanted to eat more carbs, it was because I had no choice. If I wanted our food stamps to feed all 4 of us for the entire month, I had to buy less meat and buy more carbs. Instead of eating steak and veggies (or chicken or pork and veggies) every night as I did when I was pregnant with Phoenix, I ate - WE ate a LOT of hamburger and noodles. Organic noodles yes, but honestly, the cheapest wheat based organic noodles in the store. These are highly processed and devoid of all nutrition - just as all noodles are. The only good thing about them is they are not loaded chemical fertilizers and pesticides.

Also, because we kept running out of food before the end of the month, we had to stop buying all the frozen organic veggies and berries I was buying for the last few years. Ever since Phoenix was born. I had to stop buying them because they are expensive and if I was going to insist on eating just about everything organic - and make no mistake, I do and always will insist on eating as much organic as possible - Well... I had to compromise. I bought canned veggies instead of frozen... I stopped buying the expensive uncured, nitrate free hotdogs, and the expensive uncured nitrate free lunch meats. Instead, I bought the "regular" kind...

OR was it because I had to drink nasty chlorinated tap water most of the time I was pregnant? The pure spring water that I used to buy is also too expensive for us to buy as often. GODS! I sound like a spoiled rich little brat right now, whining because my nourishing food and water is too expensive now that I'm poor. (self-derisive laugh) It really doesn't sound like we've been living on food stamps since Gryffin was born, does it? Well, I guess now that they are both eating like little adults, we need to buy more food rather than nutrient dense food. Well, we NEED to buy nutrient dense food, we just can't afford to.

Okay, so just to make this absolutely clear, my current diet is extraordinarily healthy, it's just not what my body needs in order to heal and maintain a healthy pregnancy. I truly believe that my baby died because my diet was not good enough. I have to believe that, or else I have to go back and figure out what I did wrong. This is the only explanation that makes sense...

So, anyway... I have inside me a baby that apparently died 4 weeks ago. and aside from two small spots of blood that happened on Monday, there are no signs that this baby plans to come out anytime soon. The doctor said he could do a procedure to suck it out, or there are some drugs I can take to speed things along, but he also said that many women also just like to wait for things to happen naturally.

I guess it probably doesn't take a genius to figure out what option I picked.

This is my "unofficial" announcement, because - for the same reasons that I didn't want to announce my pregnancy officially until I just couldn't hold back the excitement any longer... I don't want to hear what people are going to say, not that those people will actually say it to my face (I also wonder if this is happening because of those people who will not say things to my face wishing this to happen; sending bad energy my way) - I don't want to announce it officially until I start bleeding, the baby comes out, and there really is no hope anymore. I'm sorry if I ruined anyone's day. As I stated to begin with, I just needed to get this out.

4 comments:

  1. I dont think it was anything you did wrong or any karma retribution. It's just that when women get pregnant, we run the risk of miscarrying, especially as we get older. It just happens, dont blame yourself.

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  2. Big hugs Roxanne. Don't blame yourself. You did the best you could in your circumstances. I would rather blame the big food manufacturers, agriculture, government, etc., who make our food supply so bad. There are all sorts of other things that could've caused it, including the stress you've been under. You're not doing yourself any good by blaming yourself or trying to work out why it happened. It just wasn't meant to be this time.

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  3. I wish you peace and love while you are going through this trial. Do not blame yourself, you did nothing wrong.

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  4. Been there and done that sweetheart. I felt so guilty about my miscarriage because I just did NOT want another baby at that time....9 months after my first..... It's nothing you did or didn't do. Sometimes these things just happen. I am so sorry it did happen to you as I know what you are going thru. Hugs....

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