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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Update

Today - 12/14/13 - I am officially farther along than when I miscarried last year. I was waiting for this day because now if I go in to the doctor and have an ultrasound and the baby is alive in there, I can be reasonably sure that it's actually going to stay in there. I'm happy, but I'm still being cautious because traditionally, the risk of miscarriage doesn't drop off until the 12th week, and I'm not quite there yet.

According to the date of my last period, I'm 10 weeks along, HOWEVER, the ultrasound almost always shaves 2 or so weeks off that, so according to it, I'm probably only 8 weeks along. The paranoia is getting a little easier to manage, but I still run to the bathroom every time I feel even the smallest drop of moisture shift around down there to check for spotting. Thankfully, I am NOT spotting.

That said, here's why I just can't relax: My body is NOTORIOUS for playing tricks on me!!! When I was pregnant with Gryffin, my body HID this from me until the last possible moment. I even took a pregnancy test at around 3 months along which came up negative. When I did finally figure it out, my stomach actually popped out and that's when the baby really started moving around in there; like he was saying: Well, I guess I don't have to hide anymore!

Another example of how my body will play tricks on me. When I miscarried last year, I had mixed feelings about having the baby versus not, so when I started spotting, I begged my body: Oh please don't let it be over so soon! My body stopped spotting, and everything went on as normal until I went in for an ultrasound and was told that the baby had died a few weeks prior to the ultrasound. It was AFTER I found that out, that my body actually went through with the process of miscarriage.

SOOOO - since my body likes to lie and trick me - I am still half afraid that the same thing is happening now, where it's already dead in there, or worse, never really was in there and my body just decided to pretend it was! I wish I could have an ultrasound every day, but aside from getting my insurance to agree to pay for that, I'd have no way to go in and have one every day, and I mean that literally. I can't drive there, and no way in hell am I taking the bus to the doc's office everyday!

Anyway, to combat this rampant paranoia, I have told my Angels to protect this baby and keep it growing healthy and strong in there. It is strange to think that I'm going to have a 9 year old, a  7 year old and then a newborn sometime in July (give or take a few weeks)! I just never thought it would really happen again. I thought that my boys were the only two miracles that the Gods were going to give me!

But you want to hear something really crazy? I think there might actually be two in there... EEK!

Oh, and I gotta tell you that keeping this from my boys is getting harder and harder. They ask me like once a week when I'm going to have another baby, and I can't lie to them, so I've started telling them, Oh... maybe someday soon. Lol! I can't wait until I'm 12 or so weeks along and I'm sure that everything will be okay. Then I can tell them and we can all be excited together :-D

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