Ambivalent

So yesterday I spotted. It started as a little, faint, brown spot, got pinkish and gooey later on, but still miniscule, and then I had one bright red spot before bed last night. Imagine pricking your finger, then dropping one good drop of blood on a piece of paper. It was about that size, maybe a little bigger.

I had already planned to go into the doctor because I was about 10 weeks and knew that it was about time to go in and get checked out. So I went into the doctor today and had:

- A lab visit for a urine pregnancy test - positive.
- A visit with a Doctor to have a vaginal check and various routine tests. With an order to back to the lab for a bunch of blood tests.
- A brief consult with a nurse who ordered more OB related tests to be drawn.
- A second visit to the lab to have all the said tests drawn - I think it was 7 vials, maybe 8.
- An ultrasound to check on baby,
- A much longer visit with the nurse to discuss the ultrasound and plan out my next few steps.
- A visit to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions.

I left my house at 12:45 in order to get to my doc's by 1:30. I stepped out of the pharmacy at 4:16 and found I had just missed the bus and needed to wait until 5:10 for the next bus. Then I transferred to the next 2 buses I needed and got home at about 6PM.

Can you see why I HATE taking the bus?! I ate about 15 minutes before I left the house, and by the time I got home, I was so hungry that I attacked and devoured the left over spaghetti my hubby made for him and the boys!!!

Anyway, so what did the doctor say?

The official answer...

We're not sure.

Lol! Gotta love doctors!

Basically, The tests show that I am pregnant, as did the vaginal exam. However, the ultrasound couldn't find a baby in the gestational sac. The sac itself measures at 7 weeks 5 days, but I expected that. Remember how I told you that the ultrasound always shaves 2 weeks off how far along I am? According to my last period, I was 10 weeks, but in my mind, I already figured the ultrasound would tell me about 8 weeks.

The tech and the nurse both told me that there could be several reasons that they couldn't find a baby in the sac, the most likely being that it's just not far enough along to see. The tech also told me that the sac is in a part of my uterus that is hard for the machine to see. Normally, it's right near the cervix at the "bottom" of the uterus, but mine was up at the top of my uterus. So the vaginal probe couldn't get a good view. The probe that goes on top of my tummy had a hard time penetrating the sac too, probably because of where it's located, and because I have a lot of belly fat.

Basically, they told me not to count it as a loss just yet. More accurate is the HGC test. It's the pregnancy hormone and where it's at - AND more importantly - if/how it changes over the next couple of days will tell them more than anything if I have a viable pregnancy or not.

So, I cannot be excited about the impending baby just yet, but I also am not depressed about a miscarriage yet either. Hence ambivalent. The nurse told me to assume that I am still pregnant and go from there. So I am.

However, just being able to see that there may not be anything in there has helped a lot. If it turns out that there is a baby in there, I will be blessed, but if I should miscarry, it actually helps a lot to know that there might not be a baby in there anyway. In other words, this miscarriage isn't killing a baby, if that makes sense.

I guess you could say that I am at peace. I can easily wait the next couple of days and see what happens. I'm also going to have a talk with my Angels and tell them what I want to happen, but I'm not going to be angry at them if I don't get what I want. It's all part of life and probably part of my life's plan (fate, karma, whatever you want to call it), so I just need to figure out what my lesson is and learn it :-)

Good night all!