Apologies for the bad formatting. I just updated my program, and now it seems that it doesn't translate to my blog very well, sigh...
Heracles
Hi,
my name is Heracles, and just so you know, my family is CRAZY!
My father is Zeus, King of the Gods. 'Nuff Said!
As
for my mother and stepfather... Well, just listen to their story and
then decide for yourselves whether they are crazy or not.
Prologue
The
Tale of Alcmene and Amphitryon
Before
I can tell you their story, I
need to explain something important. Once upon a time ago, my father
Zeus became enamored of a Princess named Danae. She – having been
locked in a tower by her irrational father, King Acrisius or Argos,
because of a prophesy that her son would one day kill him –
conceived and gave birth to a son of Zeus named Perseus.
Legends
state that my father went to Danae in the form of a shower of gold
coins that fell on her lap – thereby impregnating her (What? Was
she naked?), but I have a hard time believing this. For one, my
father was a horny old goat! If he wanted to get a woman pregnant, he
would have had fun doing so!
And
for two, Danae had been locked in the tower all alone for who knows
how long. Likely pacing the tower in boredom and frustration... She
probably jumped at the chance to interact with the first person to
visit her in what must have felt like forever.
Oh
yeah... I totally bet they had sex. The kind that takes all night or
longer and makes the neighbors wonder if they've been possessed by
noisy pig demons!
Anyway,
Danae gave birth to Perseus and was no longer alone. Her father
eventually found out, but his love for her temporarily outweighed his
fear that her son would one day kill him. So, rather then murder the
baby outright, he locked them both in a chest and then threw the
chest into the sea.
Perseus
grew up and had a few adventures of his own. He married a Princess
named Andromeda – after rescuing her from the fearsome sea monster
Cetus – and they had several children. However, only three of them
are important to the story: Alcaeus, Electryon, and Sthenelus.
Alcaeus
married and had my stepfather: Amphitryon. Not to mention an older
daughter named Anaxo. She comes up again in a second.
Electryon
married Anaxo (See?), and they had a daughter named Alcmene: my
mother. Lastly, Sthenelus married and had a son named Eurystheus...
But more on him later.
Phew!
I am just now getting to the story and already my head is spinning!
By my reckoning, my grandfather married his niece, had my mother, who
then married her uncle slash cousin. Oi!
On
to their story!
Amphitryon
– having been smitten with Alcmene's beauty and wisdom – went to
his uncle to ask for her hand in marriage. My grandfather, Electryon,
agreed to the marriage, but before it could happen, the six sons of
Pterelaus – King of the Taphians – came to lay claim to part of
my grandfather's Kingdom of Mycenae and Tiryns.
I'm
going to go out on a limb here and say that my grandfather probably
laughed at them! He definitely told them no. Then he told them to go
back where they came from.
They
left and – during my mother's wedding to my stepfather – stole
all the cattle belonging to my grandfather. Immediately upon hearing
this news, my grandfather sent out his nine legitimate sons to go
retrieve them. My mother was so worried about her brothers that she
refused to celebrate or consummate her marriage until her brothers
returned safely.
The
Taphians killed all nine of King Electryon's sons, but this wasn't
really a sweeping victory since only one of them survived. The
survivor – Evenus – herded all the cattle away, and sold them
before returning home.
Electryon
insisted that my stepfather accompany him to avenge his sons and
retrieve the cattle, leaving my mother untouched with only her
illegitimate half-brother for company. They followed the trail until
they came across the stolen cattle – which were now the property of
a merchant. Amphitryon – eager to get back to his new wife –
solved the problem with their new owner by buying the herd back.
Unable to continue their quest with a herd of cattle in tow, my step
father and his father-in-law decided to bring the cattle home before
getting their revenge.
At
one point, something made one of the bulls abruptly charge at the two
men. My stepfather used his club to defend them from the sudden
attack, but in a freak accident, the club he used bounced off the
bull's horn and crushed my grandfather's skull.
Full
of sorrow, my stepfather finished returning the cattle to his wife
and explained the situation. Her uncle – Sthenelus, remember him?
He's the other son of Perseus I mentioned. Anyway, Sthenelus claimed
that Amphitryon murdered King Electryon so that he
– being the next in line to rule due to both birthright and
his marriage to Electryon's only remaining legitimate child – could
rule Mycenae and Tiryns.
Amphitryon
swore up and down that this wasn't true! Having been raised by him, I
am mostly inclined to believe him. … Mostly.
In
any case, having a reasonable doubt – but no actual proof –
Sthenelus was able to seize the throne and exile my stepfather. Also
believing him, my mother accompanied him, bringing her half-brother
with them as they fled to Amphitryon's good friend Creon: King of
Thebes. (Thebes not thieves! It's a city Kingdom that you've probably
heard of.)
As
I said previously, my mother was a wise woman. She was tall and had
dark, alluring eyes like Aphrodite. She knew that if she ever
wanted revenge for her brothers – and in a way, her father – that
she only had one way to entice her new husband to do so. She
continued to refuse to consummate their marriage until after
he returned from a quest for vengeance.
I
think it's a testament to how much he really did love her that he
left to do exactly that without trying to force or coerce his wife
into bed first.
Knowing
that he would need help, Amphitryon asked Creon to accompany him.
Creon agreed... under the condition that Amphitryon first
slay the Teumessian Fox. I'd like to think that my stepfather gave a
reluctant and long-suffering sigh before he agreed to go after the
giant fox.
The
Teumessian Fox – also known as the Cadmean Vixen – was one of the
many monstrous children of Echidna. As a child of a Goddess and her
husband – who was also a God and
the most fearsome monster who ever lived – the fox was literally
unable to be caught.
Giant
and ferocious, the fox was sent to Thebes to punish the city/Kingdom
by preying on children. It consumed far too many of the young before
Creon desperately sent Amphitryon out to slay the uncatchable fox.
My
stepfather, a fairly intelligent man himself, soon realized that the
only way to catch an
uncatchable fox was to fetch Laelaps – the dog who never
failed to catch what he hunted for.
This
was a paradox! Can the two possibly exist in the same place at the
same time?! My father Zeus had a rare headache from the conundrum...
Until he turned both creatures into stone and cast them into the
stars, where they remain forever more.
Fulfilling
his duty, Amphitryon returned to Creon, who then went with him to
fight the Taphians. They were notorious pirates who lived on a
well-fortified island. Their King – Pterelaus – was literally
immortal: thanks to a single golden hair given to him by my uncle
Poseidon. Thus, the entire island was unconquerable!
Pterelaus'
daughter – Comaetho – was so smitten by Amphitryon at first sight
that she snuck into her father's bedroom one night to pluck out his
magical strand of golden hair. This rendered him helpless, and his
island was easily captured by my stepfather and his friends.
Out
of a deep sense of honor, Amphitryon killed the traitorous Comaetho.
His next act was to give the island to his friend Cephalus before
gathering up a fair amount of booty and returning home with Creon.
This
is where the story really
gets interesting!
Zeus
– who also thought my mother quite beautiful – decided to trick
her. The night before her husband returned victorious from his quest
for revenge, Zeus disguised himself as Amphitryon. After a quick trip
to pilfer part of the booty, he brought my mother a single Taphian
cup as proof that he had fulfilled his promise to her.
Overjoyed,
my mother threw her arms around him and they made enough love that it
felt like three nights had passed. This was when I was conceived,
which – if you were paying attention – actually makes me more
than half a God. My mother was the great-granddaughter of Zeus after
all, and the
descendants of his son Perseus hadn't exactly thinned out his Godly
blood, if you know what I mean!
Anyway,
when Amphitryon returned home for real, he promptly bedded his wife
and discovered that she was no longer a virgin. He was furious,
but she swore up and down that he
was the only man she'd ever bedded.
Giving
my mother the benefit of the doubt, my stepfather brought her to the
famous blind prophet of Thebes: Tiresias. Tiresias explained that it
was not Alcmene's fault; Zeus had tricked her! And – incidentally –
that Alcmene was now suffering from a case of Heteropaternal
Superfecundation. This meant that she was pregnant with fraternal
twins – each having a different father! Sadly for Amphitryon,
Tiresias didn't know which twin was my stepfather's.
In
loving acceptance that it was not her fault, Amphitryon and my mother
returned home to wait for my brother and me to be born. Enter Hera:
my stepmother...
She
hated every single one
of my father's lovers and illegitimate offspring. Actually, that's an
understatement!
The
Birth of Heracles
On
the day that I was supposed to be born, as my mother went into labor,
Zeus bragged to all that would listen that a child descended from his
son Perseus would be born. He then bragged that the child would one
day rule over both Mycenae and Tiryns.
Hera
– always cunning and quick at coming up with clever ideas –
immediately insisted that he vow upon his position as King of the
Gods that the descendant of Perseus born that day would one day be
King.
I
often wonder if Zeus even paused for one second to ask himself why
his wife was making this strange request. Whether he did or not, the
result is the same. He made the vow and was literally bound to keep
it.
As
soon as she could, Hera rushed to their daughter – Eileithyia,
Goddess of childbirth – and ordered her to delay my birth.
Eileithyia did so by sitting outside the room where my mother was in
labor. The Goddess had her legs crossed and her fingers entwined.
As
Eileithyia was preventing me (and my twin) from being born, Hera
rushed to the wife of Sthenelus – remember him? He was brother to
both of Amphitryon and Alcmene's fathers and now King of Mycenae and
Tiryns. Well, his wife was also pregnant, but not due to have her
child for another two months. Hera used her power to bring on the
woman's labor, and soon, she had a son name Eurystheus.
See?
I told you I'd get
back to him! Dues to Zeus' vow – though it infuriated him to no end
– Eurystheus was now the future King of Mycenae and Tiryns.
Meanwhile,
my mother suffered the pains of childbirth for seven days. Seven!
I'd like to think that the blood of Zeus that flowed through her
veins made her resilient and able to endure the ordeal without going
insane. Even so, she eventually grew weak and nearly died.
Only
the clever thinking of her maid Galanthis saved her. Galanthis went
to Eileithyia and exclaimed: “Praise the Gods! The babies have
finally been born!”
Eileithyia
was so surprised to hear this that she jumped up – probably
exclaiming: “What?!” – which uncrossed her legs and unentwined
all her fingers. This act ended her magic, allowing my brother and me
to slip from our mother's womb. I came first, probably because I had
been fighting to get out for days.
Seeing
that she had been tricked, Eileithyia – afraid of repercussions
from her mother, no doubt – promptly turned Galanthis into a
weasel. My mother kept her, taking good care of her for the rest of
her life. When I was older, I built a sanctuary in Thebes to honor
her sacrifice.
Despite
having won – arranging for my cousin to be King instead of me –
Hera was not happy
that I was born. However, not even she could be certain which child
was which... So, she sent a pair of deadly snakes to kill the both of
us when we were just babes.
My
brother – Iphicles (I was named after my grandfather Alcaeus at
first and then later renamed in an attempt to please Hera) – cried
in mortal terror at the snakes. I do not remember it, but even then I
was a fearless hero. I grabbed both snakes and strangled them!
Amphitryon
– alerted by the crying – rushed into the room just in time to
witness the death of the snakes. He was now certain that I was the
son of Zeus and that Iphicles was his. He went to consult again with
Tiresias, learning that I would apparently be a great Hero someday.
Meanwhile,
my mother – afraid to offend Hera any further after her arduous
labor – brought me to an uninhabited forest and left me to die. My
sister – the Goddess Athena, another of Zeus' many illegitimate
offspring – was the patron Goddess and protectoress of Heroes. She
came to me as I was wailing from hunger and took me to Hera.
“Look
at this poor abandoned baby I found! Isn't he just adorable?”
Hera
took me in her arms and cradled me tenderly. She is actually a very
loving mother and often takes pity on children in need. My hungry
squalling prompted her to feed me from her own breast; not realizing
who I was.
Perhaps
I somehow knew that she wanted me dead. Perhaps I was simply a brat.
In any case, I sucked the milk from her breast so strongly that she
gasped in pain.
“Ah!
Take him back to his mother, wherever she may be!” Hera cried out
to Athena, pulling me away from her breast as I nursed greedily. I
was already so strong that the action of pulling me from her breast
caused some milk to spray from her. It shot out across the heavens,
forming the Milky Way.
With
a secretive smile, Athena carried me back to my mother and assured
her that Hera herself had commanded that Alcmene raise me.
So,
now you know about my family and why I think they are a bit crazy.
Keep that in mind as you read about my adventures and my life. I
think you might find that I'm a little bit crazy too!
